My inaugural visit to the FSU was in May 2008. I had spent the previous few years taking occasional trips around the globe and for some unbeknown reason I fancied going to the Black Sea. I don’t know why, maybe I wanted to see if it was actually black because the Red Sea certainly never lived up to its promise. At this stage in my adventures I deliberately avoided going anywhere near the Dead Sea.

Whist studying my handy map (I bought it at 2nd hand book store and found £10 pressed inside .. very handy) my eyes were drawn to Odessa. I ‘know’ that place I thought; I once watched a happy little film about certain files and a man with a moustache. After spending sometime googling Odessa and Ukraine then I quickly found myself being memorised by an Olga’s 'valleys of heaven' and shortly after I paid a deposit for an AFA tour.

I was not only going to visit Olga in Odessa, but Nastya in Nikolaev and Katerina in Kherson. The fact that I was quiet happy being single had been conveniently overlooked by one of my brains.

Around a week before I was due to fly I was informed that the tour was going to be filmed for British TV. The spin was that everyone has their 5 minutes of fame and this was our turn. I’d already decided that my 5 mins was reserved for when Kelly Brook publicly announced her undenying love for me as there was bound to be some paparazzi interest, so I regrettably declined their offer.

There were around 40 guys on that tour which I was told was an unusually high amount. It seems that ‘my’ Kelly had been less than honest with me about our exclusivity as it seemed a number of other guys were saving their five minutes for her too.

At Odessa airport we were divided up into two separate groups, the main AFA party and Kelly’s hero’s.

Later that evening having had our introductory meeting with the AFA staff and Terps, most of the guys left for a restaurant for some food and fame. I found myself in the hotel bar with 2 American guys and we decided to go and climb some steps and investigate Odessa. After a few bars we ended up in a very nice place called Fanconi which was bursting with hot ladies. We decided to stop our investigations and make base camp.

A few hours later, and suffering from tennis neck ache, we found ourselves sitting at the bar next to two very nice ladies one who was very, very, very nice.
I know I was quite drunk because I started talking to them. I don’t have a problem talking to anyone but if they are very, very, very pretty then I usually have to be drunk to make the first move ... it happens about once every 2 years. Fortunately when I am drunk then I don’t look it, I just have to concentrate more than usual on staying up right.

When we asked the ladies where we could find a good nightclub they told us they would take us so we finished our drinks and headed outside. We followed the ladies towards a taxi rank but unfortunately my two American friends were unhappy with this development.

“We’re not getting in any taxi” they said, “We might get beaten, robbed and left to die!!!”.

They certainly had a point. We were all rookies to the FSU and were about to get into a car with two ladies who we knew nothing about and had no idea where they were taking us to.

I thought about the situation for a few moments and came to the conclusion that as much as I wanted to remain in their company it would be better to leave them to go their own way. I felt quiet sad as the taxi roared off into the Odessa night.

“How far is this club then?” I said, turning around to the ladies who were in the back seat of the cab. “Not far” one answered.

About 15 minutes later we arrived in Ibiza, the club not the island …...
I was not that drunk.

I hadn’t got a clue where I was but I soon realised why locals and foreigners alike look on this place as a bit special. It was my first introduction to the Ukrainian ‘disco’ scene and despite the utter shock and horror that young ‘hip’ kids were enthusiastically dancing to Daddy Cool, Rasputin and Ma Baker, I was hooked. Base camp number 2 for the night was high up above one of the many seating levels that surrounded the dance floor. My job would be to pay for drinks, the ladies jobs were to go to the bar and get them. It was a fair deal I thought.

We left around 6am and it was daylight although this wasn’t too much of a surprise because Ibiza doesn’t have a roof. I was made to keep my mouth shut whilst we went in search of a ‘good price’ taxi. After we passed about 50 taxi's, and around 1 kilometre's walk, I did suggest that I was happy to pay the tourist price because I was now knackered. Eventually a deal was cut, the ladies dropped me off on at my hotel and I gave them enough money to get home.

To be in the quality of the type company that I don’t normally associate with was a pleasure especially as the whole night only cost me around $50, and that included club entrance, drinks and taxi’s. I usually spend well over that much during a night in my hometown, and that’s just for my beer and a hazardous kebab.

I grabbed a few winks but not quiet 40 and was too late for the hotel breakfast (phew). I was on time however for the ‘inclusive’ scheduled tour of Odessa hosted by AFA.

Upon seeing the camera crew in reception I decided to go for a wander on my own and almost immediately bumped into the two Americans I was with the night before. They were surprised I was still alive but declined my invite to Ibiza part 2 later that evening as they still deemed such an adventure to be too risky.


Later that evening it was to be our Odessa Social so I decided that as I had to be in talking to pretty ladies mode, I needed to hit the hotel bar early … so had a few other guys it seems.

A lot has been written about the quality of ladies who attend these types of socials. Whilst I will be the first to admit that I was not very proactive at introducing myself (I only did it once) my opinion is that they aren’t full of hookers, pro daters and ladies after a free sandwich.

IMO there were a mixed bag of ladies present though it had to be said that visually Ibiza was a clear winner and slightly less cheaper. Having propped up the bar for a few hours I did venture to one table only to be immediately told
by a young lady I was boring. Hard to argue with that I thought so I moved on.

In retrospect I believe the lady actually told me she was bored, which is a good example of how just a slight ‘misuse’ of English can cause a substantial misunderstanding. I have that t-shirt, book and DVD.

The only other event that I clearly remember from that social was some 18 y o showing me a lot of attention. Every time I would sneak outside for a smoke she kept finding me. Whilst is goes without saying that I didn’t see her as a potential wife, it would be fair to say that I probably wouldn’t have kept trying to hide from her if weight in stones wasn’t so similar to her age.

By around 11pm the lights had dimmed and 'Ra Ra Raspitin' starting fusing with 'Rivers of Babylon' I knew it was time to ‘move on down the road’. I had arranged to meet my new clubbing buddies down at Arkadia as they where already there waiting for their new banker friend (I think that’s what they said). I jumped in a taxi, agreed the tourist price and headed to my favourite Balearic Island.

The ladies were waiting for me when I arrived. They had already eaten (my type of pro-dater) so they took me to some ship themed bar that I recently found out from our resident Odessa expert from Canada, is called Assol. Had a few drinks there and an opportunity to talk with my hosts.

What I found surprising is that they knew nothing about the Ukrainian MOB industry, agencies, WM looking for wife’s etc. So when you read all the negatives about Odessa then some of that generalisation just isn’t true. There are pretty women there who are neither tainted by Odessa’s bad reputation or trying to take you for every $ you have.

We then left for Ibiza which was only a short walk away and repeated what we did the previous night. Looking back now then they were probably 2 of the most honest and genuine ladies I have every met in Ukraine … and I met them in a bar in Odessa.

Just in case you are wondering ……….. one of them hardly spoke any English and really wasn’t my type. The other one was fluent and drop dead gorgeous (IMO) but she was way out of my league for anything further and that the thought of walking her down an aisle one day never crossed my mind, except in a ‘Kelly Brook’ sort of way.

The rest of my stay in Odessa was largely uneventful except for one small but notable (for me) ‘event’. I was walking through one of Odessa’s new shopping mall’s one day when ahead of me I noticed an attractive young lady walking towards me. We made eye contact but after a couple of seconds, I looked away. Thinking about it afterwards I thought as to why I chickened out of the mini staring contest? The answer was easy … I’m not used to young ‘hotties’ locking on eye contact … and I didn’t know how to react. Welcome to Ukraine.

I had zero dates as such in Odessa but made a few new friends. Next stop Nikolaev, which according to once American Doctor I had become pally with was “Where the money is”.

Note: The author Vinnvinny does not appear in any of the above photos!

Dawn porter C4 - Mail Order Bride

As mentioned before, the Odessa part of the AFA tour was filmed for television.
If you're in the UK you can watch it here.

Dawn Porter - Extreme wife

‘Foreigners’ will find clips of it on Youtube by searching ‘Dawn Porter Mail Order Bride’.

We had a delayed start leaving Odessa. The written agenda we all had been given said:

10:00 Check out hotel
10:30 Bus leaves for Nikolaev
14.30 Arrive Nikolaev

Not too complicated, don’t you think? Think again.

At 11:30 we were still sat on the bus outside our hotel as some guys had read the instructions wrong and thought we were leaving Odessa at 14:30. Once they had been rounded up we were all set to finally leave when we encountered yet another delay.

The tour was going to Nikolaev, then to Kherson and back to Odessa. One of our party had come up with the brilliant plan of leaving 60% of his luggage in his hotel room to save him carting it around Ukraine. When he was faced with the option of paying $160 a night to have his luggage looked after for the next 14 days or going back to his room and removing his clothes then he wisely went for the latter option. What was most amazing is that this guy wasn’t even a ‘rookie’.

As the bus eventually left hotel and port area little did I realise that later in the year Odessa would almost become a 2nd home for me ... and Fanconi bar would become a firm favourite with more than a few happy times stored in my memory.

Due to our unexpected hold ups, and the bus being incapable of travelling more than 26mph, we arrived in Nikolaev a little late. Our hotel was rather small and not in the centre and was not really able to cope with the sudden influx of guests all arriving at the same time. After around an hours wait I eventually got my room key and made haste as our Nilolaev social was due to start in less than 1.5hrs (good planning by AFA, not).

When I opened the door it was obvious my room had been forgotten by the cleaners as it was in a bit of a mess, not too mention towel-less. Having told reception of my little problem, and then being under the impression that it might get cleaned and be ready sometime in the next 24hrs, I went to the bar. Shortly after I was joined by another guy in the same situation. A few beers later then other guys started to join us but the difference was that they where all ready to ‘rock & roll’. Its at times like this I am glad I smoke as it helped to disguise the smell of cheap cologne … and Kevin’s deodorant.

At the appointed hour Elena from AFA arrived at the hotel with the bus to take the guys to the social. When we (the homeless) explained our problem Elena told us that we would have to make our own way there, and promptly left. Nice we thought but maybe its good to arrive late and at least we can make a spectacular entrance … and as my friend was black, and was going to wear his white suit again, a spectacular entrance it surely would be.

We arrived at the Delirium night club around 2 hours after the other guys, we were spectacularly late, he looked spectacular - think Blondie, Rapture (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWRL9NLQqP8), and I was drunk again. I really liked Delirium, for me it was a much better location than where the social was held in Odessa principally because it was dark and loud … nobody could see me and I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

Yes dear reader, I had now realised that these socials weren’t the ideal place for me to meet Mrs Vinnvinny. I spent some time at the various bars, spoke to some people, had a dance and eventually met a lady who I had expressed interest in before the tour started. Unfortunately so had most of the other guys so by the time I actually met her then I guess I was well down her pecking order of suitable mates.

Nether the less, I was still important enough to join an after club party in a sushi restaurant where myself and 4 other of her suitors would be joined by her mother, her mothers friend, her sister, and ugly friend and some young girl of about 11. I gather it was a bi-annual event timed to coincide with the AFA tour. I did get her number though (the lady who I liked, not the 11 year old) along with my portion of the sushifest bill.

Tomorrow I would have some dates … and remain sober .... maybe.